Crumbling
by Icy-Windbreeze
Summary: You won’t ask and I won’t tell. This is our game of pretend.


Uh, yeah. I'm in one of my depressing moods. Angst maybe cause it's personal. Don't know. Enjoy the best you can. Entirely Natsuki's POV this time.

**Disclaimer:**** Don't own the characters. The angsty emotions may come from me.**

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_Natsuki is all I need._

Why would someone like you need somebody like me? You should have someone better. Someone that deserves to be lucky and always have a person that stays come what may. That person isn't me. It's not someone like me.

_I love Natsuki the way she is._

You're wrong. For the first time that, I've known you, you're so completely wrong. I'm not good the way I am. I have too many flaws. I'm stubborn, childish, proud, slow, dull, suspicious and cold. But you always described me as determined, playful, confident, cautious, mysterious and special. That's why I feel suffocated. I want to stay but I also want to run. I'm not so good as you see me as. I'm not easy to understand, easy to love or easy to be with. I can't love. I don't know how to love, never been taught the way you love. I only know the way to hurt. Pain is something familiar for me. I'm afraid that you'll one day finally discover how I truly am. That's why I keep playing. Playing this game of deceit with you.

_Welcome home. How was the meeting?_

This is the third meeting this week. Every time you greet me as soon as I enter with your smile. I flinch. You're too smart for your own good, Shizuru. There is no business meeting. There never was. You know that. It's the same every time. I go to a bar. I met a girl and I fuck her. Hard, rough and senseless. This is how I release my pent up anger and frustration. I don't care if I'm too violent. I don't care if she screams in pain or pleasure. I just don't care enough. Not with you. I'm making love to you. Slowly, sensually and carefully. I'm scared to leave scars on your beautiful pale skin, red bruises on you and terrified that I'll hurt you. But who am I lying to? I know that I already am. Maybe that's why you never hug me after each time I'm out. You're afraid of what you may find. Love marks, lipstick or smell the unknown fragrance that doesn't belong to me and it doesn't belong to you. Because if you never find the evidence and I never confirm then you can still pretend that it hasn't happened. You can still tell yourself that it's all a lie, just a flicker of your imagination. Just like it will stay that way as long as you act as if you don't really know. I can still see that flicker of hope when I brush past you. Saying that I'll take a shower and that I'm tired. I can still feel your hopeful eyes follow me with each step I take. You won't ask and I won't tell. This is our game of pretend.

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I know it's bad when they tell me you've been in an accident. I know it's worse when they tell me to prepare myself mentally. But it's the worst when I see you lying there in the distant hospital room wearing their disgustingly white clothes because they don't suit you. It makes me sick to see your skin paler than usual along with those monitors and the different liquid tubes marring the otherwise shining you. It shouldn't be you who lies there looking all weak and pathetic. It should've been me. That's the way I am, weak and pathetic, not you. Never you. I cringe when you open your eyes. The first thing you do is look straight in my eyes. Those promising pair of ruby eyes which holds your never-ending-love, my heart breaks and I didn't even know I had one.

_This is the __only way, Natsuki._

No, it's not! Because when you say it like this, I know you're thinking about me again. How, the selfish bitch that I am, probably feel about it all. You're finally admitting defeat.

_I cannot force Natsuki into doing things she does not wish to do._

Why don't you force me? Maybe I want...no need to be forced. Why won't you yell at me for being the stupid asshole that I really am? Maybe being forced is the only way that I'll finally make me move forward, instead of being like this. I need someone to finally tell me what an idiot I am being.

_I'm sorry._

You're lying. You're not sorry at all. You only apologize to make me feel better. To put me in a better light, like you always do. But you shouldn't need to do that.

_I will always love you._

Why? Why do you love me? It's because you say these things and promises that makes me so determined to prove you wrong. You can't accept me as I am. It's not possible. Because I know that I'll never be able to maintain the high post you've given me. I'll only fail and disappoint you, as I do everyone else. That's why I run. That's why I hide from your loving eyes.

_This is the only way I am capable of letting you go._

I cry. Not because I want to but because I need to. I can't have you leaning on me for support. I'm not used to being the strong one, Shizuru. You've always been the one I lean on, my solid rock of trust. Don't you know what happens when who rocks grind against each other? In the end they both crumble into pieces, slowly but steadily. I ask you a final question. Am I worth it? You answer without hesitation and with confidence, the last thing you tell me.

_Yes._

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Sorry if I made you sad or angry or anything negative. I can cheer you up with saying that the next chapter of "Stranger" will be out soon or that I had a whim of making my first own AMV, Shiznat of course, that you can find in YouTube. My account name is "Iywind4ever". Now that I've given you alternatives to cheer you up then maybe you can click on that accursed blue review button and drop me a line...or two...or if you're generous even more! ^^


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